Bleeding Nightmares

I really hate nightmares. I guess by their very definition they are
not supposed to be likeable. According to the Free Dictionary Online a
nightmare can be defined as 1) a dream arousing feelings of intense fear,
horror and distress; 2) an event or experience that is intensely distressing;
and 3) a demon or spirit once thought to plague sleeping people.

To the first definition I would add ‘confusion’ and while I am at it
I would also add ‘often characterised by physical effects such as increased
heart rate, profuse sweating and deep seated nausea.’ To the second definition
I would add the words ‘unfortunate’ and ‘inconvenient’ anywhere in the
definition because these two things almost always accompany any good
nightmarish situation. Then to the third definition I would add to the end ‘or
a person who has the ability to achieve the same fetes as a demon or spirit in
another’s life.’

The dream I had last night seemed to have aspects of all three of
these definitions wrapped up grotesquely into one to create what it is that I
experienced. I dreamt that I was expecting my ex girlfriend’s baby and I was
over the moon about it. I remember the dream from the part where I was cleaning
out the outside room at my mother’s place in anticipation of my ex and the baby
coming home. I cleaned the room thoroughly decorating it with all sorts of baby
things and practically dancing and whistling away in absolute bliss.

Then at some stage my mother grabbed me and told me that she needed
to discuss something important with me. She then told me that perhaps I needed
to think things over since there were things about this “pregnancy” that just
didn’t add up. Firstly, according to her knowledge the baby was only due in two
months and secondly, she doesn’t remember seeing my ex actually pregnant. It
was at that stage that the facade of understanding came crashing down. I too
suddenly realised that actually I hadn’t seen my ex pregnant and all I
remembered was her saying she is off to the hospital to go fetch the baby –
FETCH the damn baby!?!!

Of course in the dream I took my anger out on my mother and then in
true suicidal fashion, on myself as well. The rest of the dream was just pure and raw anger,
confusion and fear. I felt absolute frustration at the fact that nothing in the
dream actually made any sense or had anything to do with where I am in my life.
The setting was all wrong, in a home I didn’t recognise, the people were
behaving uncharacteristically and the feelings I felt were very much out of
character for me and where I am in my life.

Or were they? I am inclined to fathom that my anger and frustration
at the end of the dream and especially when I woke up were because of the fact
that it seemed like something had penetrated deep into the part of my
subconscious riddled with fear and unexpressed desires. The most infuriating
part was the fact that I was so giddy about having a baby with my ex whom I
worked really hard to get over and the fact that she dooped me into believing
she is pregnant smacked of dynamics that kept me under her fist when we were
still dating in reality.

If anything this dream has stirred feelings that shouldn’t be there
like the rotten leaves and junk at the bottom of a shallow pond. Ghosts of the
past have been given an audience, if only I am the seer, the viewer, the judge
and the convicted. What I do not understand is why has my subconscious has gone
through such an effort to create an elaborate dreamscape just to make me see a
truth that I no longer see as truth. I no longer love my ex in that way and
know that I would never have her baby. So why then has my subconscious suddenly
turned against me in an insane act of cannibalism?

One of the things one has to grapple with after a nightmare is trying to figure out where
it come from and why  it occured. According to Wikipedia, nightmares can have physical causes such as sleeping in
an uncomfortable or awkward position, having a fever, or psychological causes
such as stress and anxiety. Eating before going to sleep, which triggers an
increase in the body’s metabolism and brain activity, is a potential stimulus for
nightmares.

If I had to choose one of the above mentioned reasons for me I
would go for sleeping in a bad position since my sleep hasn’t been the greatest
over the past two days. As for a fever, stress, anxiety and bad eating habits,
well, I am pretty sure it isn’t one of these since I am on holiday and in a
very good place of internal well being.

Whatever the cause is I am left somewhat baffled and peeved off actually. I
feel exposed by my own internal workings, as if there is nowhere to hide and
nowhere especially to hide thoughts, feelings and desires that I do not wish to
be discovered. It is especially true that I certainly cannot hide these things
from myself or even lie to myself. Maybe bad dreams are all about our
subconscious reminding our conscious that it doesn’t know everything and it is
certainly not in charge of everything. Maybe this nightmare was exactly what it
was, a really good wake up call. Well subconscious, you definitely have all my attention
now…

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11 responses to “Bleeding Nightmares

  1. wow I really enjoyed reading this blog,Ive also been plagued by nightmares which when I try to analyse dont make sense at all.I just thought maybe its my subconscious trying to nudge me in coming to terms with what is protrayed in the dream as a somewhat distracting directive to what my conscious self wants but is not aware of…

  2. Hi there,

    I couldn’t help but comment on this post. I looked up a few key themes in dream interpretations and I figured I would share with you, since when I have crazy dreams like this (filled with emotions) I like to look them up and try to figure it all out.

    A baby in your dream signifies innocence, warmth and new beginnings. Babies symbolize something in your own inner nature that is pure, vulnerable, helpless and/or uncorrupted.

    But since you didn’t quite see the baby and you were simply expecting it to come home and it never did-I would take it as a loss of something in your life, perhaps that hope of having a child with the ex (that never came to fruition), the loss of hope for something uncorrupted or gaining something that is unpure. Or something pure that you have recently lost? Loss of innocence, warmth, perhaps you are now stuck in limbo (mentally or physically) where before you felt you had new beginings and felt joyful and now with this sudden disruption (that your mother pointed out) it has become nothing new- but rather stall….perhaps you are stuck in a rut/old ways/old habits/old surroundings/old mentality

    As for your emotions: Emotions expressed in dreams is a way for people to act out their feelings which they would not normally express if they were awake. This provides a “safe” outlet for these emotions instead of letting them be pent up. Such feelings may have been repressed during the day, and are being expressed in your dreams where your defenses are down.. Feelings expressed in dreams help you deal with depression, guilt, and other complex emotions.

    Anger: To dream that you are feeling much anger, forewarns that you will be involved in a terrible and tense situation. Your loved ones will let your down and disappoint you. It also forewarns that once solid ties will be broken. Being angry in your dream may have been carried over from your waking life. In your dream, you may have a safe outlet to express such emotions. You may have some suppressed anger and aggression that you have not consciously acknowledged.

    Betrayal: To dream that you have been betrayed represents your suspicions about a particular person, relationship or situation. This dream often occurs when you are having feelings of insecurity and are faced with major commitments in your life at the same time.
    To dream that someone has betrayed you indicates self-pity. You are feeling sorry for yourself.

    Joy:To dream that you are joyful, denotes harmony amongst friends and loved ones. The dream is a reflection of your waking state of mind.

    But since you lost this emotion of joy and it turned to anger and betrayal instead it means you probably have lost something very enjoying to you recently and it was abrupt, at that.

    Ex lover: To dream of an old or former lover, signifies unfinished/unresolved issues related to that specific relationship. Your current relationship may be awakening some of those same issues.

    Perhaps someone new in your life is causing these unresolved issues to reapear in your nightmare, letting your mind let go of these emotions, during your dreams.

    (I would warn you although this might sound good and easy to purge yourself of these hurtful emotions while sleeping — I would still try to consciously heal these wounds that you are feeling from the past — especially if someone new is in your life now– this may cause some tension or issues to arise that might not normally be there due to these unresolved issues)

    Perhaps since you ended the dream feeling betrayed and angery maybe your dreams are warning you to fully get over these emotions before getting involved with someone new and if you already have, perhaps feelings of loss of this new person have emerged b.c of the past with your ex.

    Mother:To see your mother in your dream, represents the nurturing aspect of your own character. Mothers offer shelter, comfort, life, guidance and protection. Some people may have problems freeing themselves from their mothers and are thus seeking their own individuality and development.

    To dream that you are having a conversation with your mother, denotes a matter that has preoccupied your mind and you are not sure how to deal with it in your waking life. It indicates unresolved problems that still need to be worked out with your mother.

    Perhaps it would be best if you called your mother and talked this dream out with her, or these pent up emotions that are causing this dream. (I know talking to my mother about issues like this that cause a lot of pain are usually shared with my mother, and can guide me in the right direction) But then again she was in your dream for a reason and perhaps it means you need to figure out your own issues on your own, without her guidance, since your subconscious might be telling you that it’s time to seek this out individually and develope on your own.

    As you can see, I’m a freak about dreams and love to try and interpret them.

    It’s also helpful to remember any objects that stuck out to you that might have also been in the dream…where you actually whisteling (that might be another interpretation), was there a baby bottle, crib, rocking chair?

    Hope this helps explain some of these unresolved issues (?) and I’m very sorry to hear that you are experiencing this painful part of your past all over again. My heart goes out to you.

    Stay well and injoy your vacation.
    love and light.

    • Hello there

      Thank you very much for that analysis and thought provoking dissection. i really should have put more effort into breaking down the dream but I guess I do not have the enthusiasm that I used. Once upon a time I used keep a dream journal and have a dream interpreter full of themes, symbols, hues and other tools. I was so into it that I also used to interprete the dreams of others. But once my own dreams seemed to have dried up I stopped being so enthusiastic as I had nothing to analyse. However that doesn’t mean I do not appreciate a good dream interpretation. I agree with you that perhaps there are aspects of my former relationship that I have not quite moved on from and that is why in the piece that I wrote i mentioned towards the end that there seems to be no place to hide things subconsicious even from myself. I also feel that there is a lot of this that relates to my relationship with my mother because I am the last born child of three and often I feel like I am my mother’s husband because I support her financially while my two older siblings live at home like my children. There is much anger and disillusionment but I try my best to deal with it. Thank you very much for helping me out. Take care…

      • not a problem spiderfarmman (hope you don’t mind me using a shorter version),
        I too have very little dreams since I turned into my twenties, perhaps it was all the alcohol and drug abuse that caused the numbness of my subconsciouness to forego warning me about anything…lately I have been having more vivid dreams, almost like they were happened the day before I fell asleep…the ones where you wake up and you ask your self. “did this really happen?” and you search all over the place for evidence of this experience….yea…..I know what you mean though, I miss having regular dreams, ones that bring great thoughts and smiles to your face. 🙂

        I understand the feeling of supporting your mother, I know you have read my post on being a daughter of a “mother-child” as I like to call her sometimes, although she is growing up to be one spectacular old woman now, I have much respect for her with the recent growth she has gone through….it’s amazing when you as the child, can observe and watch your own parent go through growth spurts and change as if they were the child….amazing how life works.

        I also understand the delusionment, anger and perhaps resentment for the past and or current circumstances with your mother and how that can affect you dearly. I went through many years resenting my mother for multiple reasons that I can still recall in my childhood. Writing this now almost inspires me to write something about my mother now.

        well take care and hope that the dreams are more pleasant tonight. 🙂

  3. It is relly scary though that our own mind can make our feelings, thoughts, fears and anxieties seem so much worse through dreams and nightmares. I suppose it is the only way of getting our attention. Thanks for reading it…

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